It looks like Tim Burton finally bit the bullet.
His newest film, tentatively titled “Johnny Depp,” will tell the story of the American-born actor and his rise to international fame. From his humble beginnings in Owensboro, Ky., to his multi-million dollar career as a movie star, the sprawling epic will run for over three hours, giving an unprecedentedly detailed look at Depp’s life.
And in an ironically unsurprising twist, Burton’s domestic partner Helena Bonham Carter is currently slated to portray the title character.
Bonham Carter is very excited to take on the role of her old acting partner, going so far as to alter her lifestyle to better understand his career. “I’ve spent the last three weeks holding forks and knives and using those for hands to really get into his mindset,” she said. “It can be a pain, and effectively using the bathroom is bloody impossible, but as artists we must suffer for our art.”
According to inside sources, Burton’s inspiration for the film came when browsing a fan forum on the Internet. The initial spark came when the director reportedly stumbled upon a meme that sarcastically suggested he should make a movie about his longtime colleague.
Not one to shy away from a challenge, Burton said that he was “very excited” to work on the film, just before leaping at a nearby cameraman and ruffling his hair “so that they could match.”
Decriers of the announcement suggest that this is the apex of incestuous filmmaking, and will assuredly put the final nail in Burton’s coffin. The eccentric auteur isn’t concerned, though.
“Locking myself in a casket is the only way I sleep comfortably at night anyway,” he said. “This movie will end my career the same way ‘Wild, Wild West’ made Will Smith into a poor man.”
One person in particular is very unhappy with the decision – Depp himself. Following a recent rift in their relationship, Depp will not cameo in the film and has no compunction about speaking ill of the aging auteur.
“I don’t know what Tim is playing at,” he said. “I never approved this, and I wonder if there’s something more sinister at play.” In an uncharacteristically candid moment, the star opened up about his falling out with both Bonham Carter and Burton.
“I was at their house not long ago, and it was pleasant enough,” said Depp. “But that was before I found the Depp Shrine.”
The actor described the shrine as a little room containing an intricate collection of imagery depicting his various movie roles.
“The pictures were weird enough,” Depp said. “But the breaking point was the sacrificial table.”
He went on to describe slab of granite in front of the wall of photos, upon which there was a small white rabbit wearing a monocle and a top hat laying gruesomely sacrificed next to incense and scented candles. Depp left the house “as quickly as (he) could,” despite Bonham Carter’s rabid attempt to claw at his arm and Burton desperately yelling “Cut!”
It is unclear at this point whether “Johnny Depp” will be a success with critics. Audiences might never be free of the Burton-Depp-Bonham Carter trifecta, though, as history has shown that attaching Burton’s name brings in millions of dollars at the box office regardless of quality.
The movie will almost certainly be a financial success for Disney, something the studio already knows well; Bonham Carter has already signed a multi-picture deal, and Burton is expected to return to continue the franchise through 2017.
This article was a satire piece written for the April 1st edition of The Massachusetts Daily Collegian (“The Morning Wood”). Mr. Burton has not announced a Depp biopic, and there’s no evidence that he has any sort of shrine to the actor at his home.
His hair, however, really does look ridiculous. That part was not a joke.